My very conservative and even more acerbic friend, Ron, sent me this list of alternate word definitions (he didn’t know the attribution). Cynical, but humorous:
1. Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a
fool at the other.
2. Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master
3. Divorce: Future tense of marriage
4. Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the
lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either".
5. Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
6. Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody
believes he has the biggest piece.
7. Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power
8. Dictionary: A place where divorce comes before marriage.
9. Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.
10. Ecstasy: A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.
11. Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.
12. Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
13. Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
14. Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
15. Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
16. Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
17. Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
18. Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
19. Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
20. Opportunist: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls
into a river.
21. Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway
"See I am not injured yet."
22. Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
23. Father: A banker provided by nature.
24. Criminal: A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.
25. Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are
early.
26. Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your
Confidence after.
27. Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his
bills.
